Ten Things I’m Not Missing During Facebook Free February

Currently I am undertaking Facebook Free February. It’s an experience I find quite liberating, considering how addicted I get to the ol’ social media. I find myself living what they call LIFE. My own life. And in doing so, I bring you…. *drum roll*

Ten Things I’m Not Missing During Facebook Free February:

1. Photos of food. Yes, I put my hand up. I’m guilty of this one. Hello, I’m a desperate housewife. Food is pretty much my life. Every time I say that in front of my husband, he remarks “Food is your life?”, then gives me that looks as if to say, “Aren’t you forgetting something? Or more specifically, someone?”. “Yep, you come in at a close second, baby”, I reassure him.

I’ve found that there are two types of people who post photos of their food.
I. The Restaurant-Goer. I know they are called wait staff but I don’t think their job description entails waiting for you to take a photo of every dish that is presented to you before eating it. As I was writing this, I actually found a photo of restaurant food that I attempted to take a photo of. We went to a restaurant. I was pretty stoked about that for a start, so as you can see my crispy-skinned barramundi already has a bite taken out of it. I quickly tried to salvage the situation but it’s clear I’m not your regular restaurant-goer.

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II. The wannabe chef. I know, you love your food. And you are proud of your creations. But what did it look like BEFORE the filter? And the way you jazzed up that meal just to eat it to yourself? My food envy comes in here. When I snap a photo of my food creations, it quite often has a chubby toddler hand in it. That’s as good as it usually gets before it gets eaten.
Like this (beetroot chips):

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2. Photos of overseas holidays. I see you’re on holidays. Notice how I’m NOT there? Yes, so did I.
If there’s anything more cruel than food envy, it’s holiday envy.

An actual photo from my honeymoon. Bliss!

An actual photo from my honeymoon. Bliss!

3. The aggressive-yet-ambiguous status update.
“B*tch needs to watch her mouth”. #biznitch #watchyourmouth
Desperate cry for attention or clever way to get keep yourself away from law enforcements by not personally threatening a specific person? I will never know, because I am NOT the one commenting on it! Arghhh enablers shoosh your mouths! Do not, I repeat, DO NOT pander to these posts by liking or commenting on them.

4. The ambiguous-response-to-the-ambiguous-aggressive status update.
“If you have something to say, say it to my face”. #sayittomyface #hatersWho is fighting who? I’m not even sure they know anymore. Rest-assured, there are “haters” involved. Unidentified haters, no less. But as we all know too well, haters GON’ hate.

5. Poor spelling and grammar. Not even going to elaborate on this point. It’s too painful. Please see my previous post The Spelling Nazi

6. Photos with the hashtag #nofilter. Since discovering the world of filters recently (I don’t use Instagram… Yes, I was born in the 21st Century), I have been amazed at how sharp and colourful my otherwise dull existence can look.
If you’re that amazed at how good your photo looks without altering it, send it in to a photography competition. Make sure you attach a note specifying that it has “#nofilter”.
If you don’t know what a filter does… Check out the lamb shanks I made. I’m sure my family wish they were eating the filtered version.
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7. The totally not staged photo. “Just chilling at home. Time for bed. Night everyone!” (with accompanying photo).
You are not going to bed with your hair and makeup like that. Please stop pretending you are.

8. Photos of your kid/pet doing EVERY. THING. I am a parent. I know how totally adorable and unique and amazing my kid, sorry YOUR kid, is. Trust me, I do. But I don’t need a photo of your kid waking up, or going to bed, or going to the toilet… Every. Single. Day. I’m beginning to think some kids mustn’t recognise their parents faces anymore but rather recognise them by the back of their iPhone. “Oh look, there’s mum! There, with the slight scratch in the upper left corner”.
That goes for you too, avid pet owners. Suffice to say there needs to be a photo upload limit per day.

9. The complainer. It truly is hard to imagine how some people have the energy to post anything considering how crap their everyday life seems to be. We all have a right to whinge here and there, but continual complainers are a drain on the Facebook community. This is where a passive-aggressive hashtag comes in handy. #stopwhining

Last but not least,
10. The philosopher. It’s great to contemplate life and all that, but must you do so after I’ve just read an hilarious post on Buzzfeed? Mood killer. Here’s a hint: If you’re at the pub having a few cold ones, please refrain from attempting to write intelligent and analytical status updates. They usually turn out to be poorly spelt, illogical and with a shocking lack of grammar.

See you on the flipside, Facebook-dwellers!

P.s. Since posting this, I have found out that Facebook Free February is not just an idea unique to myself. There is a whole movement! Check it out… http://www.facebookfreefebruary.com

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